Building The Blue Castle

One of my favorite books is The Blue Castle by L.M. Montgomery. I discovered it while spending the summer living with my parents, helping my mother with a little company and a lot of bossiness. Those who are related to me need not comment here. Smirk.
Reading this book in my lazy summer hammock after lunch was the perfect little vacation from the morning's bustle and it led my imagination back down the familiar pathways it had meandered as a child, hiding from unfinished chores. I was able to lose myself in the rich textures of her gratuitously abundant descriptions while  promising myself I would re-apply pen to paper and capture some of my own dizzy flights of fancy. I can almost feel the amorous summer breeze hurrying past to the tomato fields to kiss each rosy-skinned cheek while the leaves overhead fan my eyes to a less wary position. Just remembering the details of that moment are enough to make me want to curl up with another copy and see if the words are just as magical on a chilly winter night.
The title of my blog is no longer appropriate, as my dear younger brother has  informed me. So, I am beginning a new chapter of the same book. I am daring to dream that it will have just as many wondrous surprises to justify the jostling bumps of the first forty pages. The theme of despair, hope and redemption is such a universally satisfying delight as well as an echo of our own life's journey. Happy reading and thank you for being here.

A Balmy Day Inside My Heart

A few days of playing hookie, an early bedtime, sneaking seconds on dessert when nobody's looking...sometimes reverting to adolescent behavior is downright rejuvenating. I highly recommend it for anyone feeling stressed as I've been the last few days. I wasn't recognizing my accomplishments and pushing myself too hard, demanding perfection. Not enough rest usually leaves me feeling overwhelmed and ready to just chuck it all. I wasn't about to do that though so I prayed for God to keep me from giving up and left just enough room to let my friends in.
Since then, I've been taken to lunch, a tour of a few beautiful places by the lake, shared a relaxing tea and a chat. Friends are highly under rated and without them, I would not be who I am today.
He provides answers in unexpected ways sometimes. There is always a balm in Gilead, if we just keep our hearts open. I love that picture of Jesus shown knocking with the door handle on the inside. The wonderful thing is, I've discovered that He owns my heart.

Prayer of a Health Nut

Dear Father,
You are in heaven and I'm here in the kitchen
Trying to be good and not so finger lickin
The brownie I had yesterday was sinful
And I confess I enjoyed every bite
Today I got a juicer
That I pledge to use in spite
Of the taste, texture, color and goo
Cuz Coach has said
If I can do it, then so can you.
So bless my daily efforts Lord and
Guide me away from the fries I covet
Because I want to look in the mirror
And say..Wow! I really love it.

Just a little kitchen humor to keep things fun..my family brought the juicer over this evening and I'll be having a kale smoothie for breakfast. Chug! Determined not to whine about this so sarcasm and humor is the next best thing. :D Grin

I See The Son From Where I Walk

Today was a good day of rest. There are times when I feel that God is testing me beyond my limits and then He gives a shady tree and some time to sleep. Today was that kind of day. I walked home from church and enjoyed some freshly baked apple pie with my best friend. She is a great baker and a great listener, so we always enjoy each other's company. God gave me friends that know how to cook. Really well, in fact. Another friend is a chocolatier..how much does God love me!! I cannot look at the family and friends that I've been blessed with and deny how much God truly cares about my happiness. He gives me people that pray with me, for me. Friends that feed me and encourage me to reach for better when I don't even feel like reaching for my bathrobe.
I still hit the valleys briefly when I'm tired, missing my mom or my children but the valleys are not the black hole they once were and I see the sun from where I walk. I am reading a book now about the power of prayer. The power of a praying parent is a comfort to both the one praying and the recipient. I found this out on the phone with my youngest daughter tonight. There are some people in her life that have been bullying her and my first reaction as a parent was not one of prayerful consideration. Still, as our talk progressed, I asked if she wanted me to pray for her. All I'd been learning came flowing out through me as I prayed blessing, forgiveness, peace and strength over her life. Something unexpected happened; God gave me the answers as I prayed for blessing on my enemies. Peace settled in where there was hatred and even though I will be on my knees again asking God for help with my attitudes, the blessing He gave was real and I love Him for how simple His love is to me. Surrender in return for life abundant. I love Him so much and I truly thank Him for the blessing of being able to pray with my children and knowing He will help when I'm unable. I thank Him for all the good He has given me on this day of rest and for the ways He's been teaching my heart to love and trust Him.

Dinner With Friends

I don't know why we as adults (and I use the term loosely) forget how to have fun as we grow older and more "responsible". Tonight, I had dinner with a few friends from church and it surprised me to discover how long it had been since I laughed til my sides hurt at the dinner table. Dancing at the sink and humming along to whatever is playing on the radio while plotting to see who is within swatting range of my handy dandy dish towel is a great way to pass time. Obviously, it doesn't take a whole lot to amuse me. It's just that somehow I forget how truly good entertainment is usually free, especially if you consider it's usually a practical joke at someone else's expense. Tonight, I remembered how to be silly. I used to think nothing of whistling for my car in the mall parking lot when I couldn't remember where I'd parked. Of course, cars are not horses and if they were, I'd have had to shoot Betsy about four tires ago. The car never pulled up to meet me at the door but I did get a few dirty looks from shoppers who thought I was calling them instead so that was quite a nice cheer me up. Then there were the times I had to grocery shop on my lunch hour during the work week. To get past the hustle and rushed feelings that would fluster me, I'd take a running start out the door and ride the cart half way to my car with a huge grin.  My happiness was mostly from the pleasure of shocking all the proper old ladies in their control top pantyhose and sensible shoes. Not to mention actually riding the mechanical pony while waiting for my girlfriends to check out at the express lane on our wild evenings out at Ruby Tuesdays. Such scandal!
So, tonight I had an epiphany. There weren't any angels dancing with me in the kitchen tonight and believe me, I'd have noticed the help. No rainbows or halos. Just the hilarious company of my fellow earthlings as we filled the night with our laughter and our memory with a few good snapshots. Speaking of snapshots, if you decide to play the dish towel game, it's all in the wrist and never aim for anyone you don't think you can outrun.  Just sayin.

Frost

A chill of leaves
Tree banished and shuddering to their resting place
Dancing squirrels frolic on the new carpet of seasons past
Spring has become the aging shadows that fall across my lawn
Harvest is almost here.
Seasonal delight
Transient waves of sun and glittering diamond  shores
Beckon to my faded recollection
Heated steps hasten towards the lover's curtain
Shade surrounds as cool as the sweet calm of a darling caress
Balm to the cheeks and lips and eyes
Rest for the travel worn
Nights grow cooler
Longer
Gazes linger in the sun
Hibernating hearts find satisfaction in the rest.

Survival Plan

So here I am, relaxing on the beach in a hammock, twirling the fuschia paper umbrella from my fruit juice and humming tunelessly to nobody in particular. There's a palm tree swaying gently to the tropical melody breezing past and a cute little monkey in a tutu shinnying back down a coconut tree with my breakfast. I hope he brings me a hammer. No hammer. Yes, this must be a dream.
Wintertime is setting in, the time change looms ominously like a storm cloud promising days of indoor occupation. I am already missing my evening walk in the sunset after a relaxing dinner. The days of carefree bicycle jaunts around the city are just about to end. All of this really bothers me, being such an outdoors girl. So, I'm making a battle plan to enjoy the winter until Spring comes with her yearly reprieve.
1. Sing a little every day. Sing loudly and badly if necessary, just sing. Showers are known for their wonderful acoustics.
2. Find fun in the sun..skiing, tobogganing, donating snow angels free of charge.
3. Get a pair of ice skates and really go all out. First on one the ice, last one off. Wear my silly hat just because it's fun.
4. Curl up with a Jane  Austen chick flick or a good book. Snack Laura Ingalls style..juicy apple and fresh, buttered popcorn. Mmm. Less calories than a bucket of Breyers.
5. Volunteer at the corner mission where they just happen to have a piano in my size. I love my music!!
6. Write for a few minutes each day in my book project.
7. Find a place to work with handicapped or sick children. It'll make me happy to help others who are also coping with less sunshine in their lives.
8. Make someone else laugh, even if they don't want to. Especially if they don't want to.
9. Enjoy the storms from the comfort of my living room windows. Snow is so pretty when someone else is shovelling it.
10. Plant amaryllis bulbs and make peanut butter pine cone bird feeders to brighten up the scenery.
I'll keep working towards that vacation on the beach, but until then..I have a plan!
Thank goodness for OHIP. I haven't skied or skated in years.

Is Your Face in the Book?

This afternoon I met a girlfriend for coffee.  A coffee that turned into a four hour visit. We were going for a three hour tour but got lost. Our topics covered praise and worship, the baptism of the Holy Ghost. It ranged from family issues to work and health. We joked about dressing up as an angel complete with wings and a book, asking people if their face was in the book. Sort of an odd approach to thought provoking evangelism I suppose. The words just seemed to flow and I think we may have used up some of tomorrow's 300,000 word allotment. What I took away from it was the joy of having a friend to be a sounding board. It was such a recharge to feel validated, respected and heard without visiting a professional counselor. I believe that God puts people in our lives at certain times to fulfill a designated purpose. I believe in therapy and medicine. I strongly believe in the power of prayer and healing. Last year at this time, I was celebrating my 39th birthday in a hospital. Today, by the grace of God, I am in school and slowly returning to life. Just sitting there across from my dear friend and realizing my successes and appreciating the struggles was a very powerful moment for me. Today, I learned in our weekly seminar in the Stay Motivated Club (Matt Maddix Motivations) that it is important to live life on purpose and with a direction. A year has gone by and although I might not be where I'd like to with energy and concentration, I am going to take a moment to appreciate how wondrously God has made us and that He is my ever present Comforter as I continue on my journey.
My thanks to all my family, friends and supports who have made an overwhelming difference in my life simply by knowing that they are there. Present in prayer and thought even while I'm thinking that I'm alone in my battles. Thank you God for this good day and let this touch the heart of someone who may feel alone.

Just do it, day one

I just finished day one of my new healthy lifestyle and yes, I did have ice cream.  Just a tiny bit, it would've been rude to refuse the carbs...I mean hospitality. My friends sure do know me well..or for sure my weak spots. All in all, though, I feel good about the day. I drank almost an entire gallon of water, walked twenty minutes to school. Then home again. Then off to the clinic, a fifteen minute bike ride..where I did not have an appointment until the next day. I did a wonderful job of not getting annoyed with myself or anyone else, hopped back on my bike and came home. Add to that the forty five minute walk to my grief counseling group and I thought tomorrow would be just as good a day to bike to the gym and work out. There's a fine line between exhaustion and a workout high. When the line starts to blur and look suspiciously like my pillow, I take a nap. Thankfully, that line has not appeared on my classroom....much..but then there's always tomorrow. We'll be practicing patient transfers and repositioning in bed and I haven't really given class my full participation effort yet this week. Maybe I'll start by bringing my own pillow..
Time for sleep and sweet dreams. And a great big thank you to my friend with the ice cream...you rocky road, you.

I double chocolate dare you

If you're having a blue day, like I was today...crying is good. Don't cry all day but about five to seven minutes is cathartic, right before you reach "toxic eating level seven aka mocha fudge ripple". Tonight, I talked to my daughter, a college freshman, fresh chick...um LADY...where was I? O yes..I got off the phone with her after she was telling me how to cope with my day and I knew I needed to get a grip. I'm the mom, I'm the super hero in pantyhose and hairspray. I need to find a new coping mechanism..maybe too much hairspray in the eighties.
The next thing I did was try out an Anne Murray DVD I'd borrowed. Struck gold on the second track of What a Wonderful World. I apologize to the ppl in apartment 1 (sort of ..not really..since it will most certainly happen again). Elijah probably heard his name tonight and maybe he leaned over the Bannister of time to see what insanity this girl has been up to now. Singing makes everything better, so does smackin around a few octaves of ivory keys..yes, there's a warning in there apartment one..so sorry. Smirk
I was better but not bodacious by the time I signed onto the introductory conference call for Matt the man Maddix's Health and Weightloss Club. I've heard him speak before so I knew what to expect but I found myself grinning from ear to ear as he introduced his topic for the evening. His energy is palpable and contagious and always has that effect. His speakers were guests with real life stories, transparent and heart warming in their honesty and candor. It was like nothing I have ever heard before and I was hooked. Having grown up with three brothers, the one thing you do NOT want to do is double dog dare me because I will and on stilts with a pig and a tutu. Ok..maybe not the tutu, quit leanin ma... Man she still busts me from another dimension..Love you mama. Miss you so much.
So, I believe the adult word is challenge, no dogs, no pigs, no stilts and no Tu Tu...no Ma'am. So, this coming week, I'll be drinking a gallon of water per day...and that's saying a lot. If you've been to my place, you would know it's like drinking out of the kiddie pool, lotsa chlorine, minus the possibility of visible surprises.
So, one gallon per day. One twenty minute walk every day that ends in y..sounds like a country music song..and lastly, skip breakfast one day. I interpret that as indulging in ten extra minutes with mi amore Mr. Pillow, but my coach may not agree ;-) Nobody tell and I should be fine. Insert huge mocha chip grin here.
I know I need to get off my tail and be active because my depression is knocking quite loudly. I'm not signing for it today. Tomorrow, I'll be at the gym after school, not signing for it and the day after that, I'll be shopping for a knockout holiday dress. I'll be signing for that one, gladly. I'll post pix of my happy, non depressed self at Christmas in my new dress. And that is how I put my money where my mouth is.  Any takers???

Fountain of Truth

Birthdays happen. The years come and go, each bringing their own set of circumstances. I used to feel comfortable in three or four layers of clothing during a crisp fall day. Now I run about town in my shirt sleeves like a Norwegian sauna regular. It's nothing to do with hormones, it's my incredible circulation and vibrant good health. I know this because I thought maybe I was having a few hot flashes so I went to the clinic. I was told it was a fever, ergo I was sick as a dog but still vibrant and youthful. O sure, I read between the lines of the prescription for antibiotics but at my age (smirk), I'll take anything.
I've recently signed up for a professional kick in the pants aka motivational training program and I'm forcing myself to look on the positive side of every situation. Since I'm such an avid list maker, here is one in honor of this magical new phase of my golden years. Smirk smirk
Top Ten Benefits to Being Forty

1. Winter clothes shopping is less expensive, leaving money for that new pair of skis. Jacket, hat and leggings optional.
2. Steam drying from sheer body heat after donating snow angels to all the deserving churches in the neighborhood. Are you ready for this yet, Sue??!! I can't wait!
3. Being too old to have to give a rational explanation for whacked out behavior (see above).
4. Being too young to be considered senile...yet.
5. Making wait staff uncomfortable, asking if they intend to check for ID.
6. Attending the wrong PTA meeting, causing a stink over the sugar free cupcakes and then leaving in a huff. Who's going  to know...they're all just barely hanging onto their own teenage raising sanity..or the lack thereof.
7. Being shopping buddies with your darling daughters...and being mistaken for their sister. Sa weet.
8. Not having to finish the top ten list because a really good movie just started.

 

Festive Us

It's a chilly fall morning , perfect for the Wine Festival parade and I'm surrounded by grandmotherly Italian banter while ballet moms greet each other in their own language.
"Oh hi! You must be Lily's mom. I'm Suzy's mom. Have you seen Julie's mom?"
I turn my head to hide my smirk  and try not to be so obvious as I continue to eavesdrop.
My mind drifts back to my relaxing night out and I smile in silent appreciation. Last night, I enjoyed an evening out, savoring a delicious meal with adult conversation and a stroll through scenic Niagara Falls. We discussed religion, prime rib and why I can never become a Catholic. This last bit of news seemed a bit of a shock to my friend until I explained how I'd have to build my own backyard confessional just to keep up with the mistakes I make before stopping for  lunch . Naturally, our conversation turned to the topic of parenting and I began to appreciate my age along with the privileges it brings. My young ladies and gentleman are well on their way to becoming successful adults and it's time for a reward. Days of diaper duty, cupcakes for the classroom, and playing referee at the dinner table are a vague memory; as if belonging to the life of a dear friend. Did I really spend two hours at the grocery store with three children divided between two overflowing carts and the last of my patience? Sunday afternoons were spent locked away in my room, napping and then planning lessons for the coming week and writing their progress report for the charter school. Nights out during the week, being hauled out of the house by a couple dear girlfriends who appreciated my sense of humor enough not to interfere with the pony rides at Meijer or speaking to the waiter in a foreign accent just for kicks. Yes, we really were a wild and rebellious bunch.
Pulling me out of my reverie at the dinner table, my friend asked me what day my 22'nd birthday was next month. I replied smartly that I would be 29 on the 11'th. Grin. It occurred to me that I am enjoying my life and the age I am now.  I used to look back with fondness on the days my babies were babies, especially when seeing other families with their own cute toddlers. Now, I can appreciate seeing their happiness together without the bitterness that comes from not seeing my own. I do love them but I also feel a huge measure of pride in their accomplishments and independence. I would always insist they try new skills out on their own before lending a hand with tying their shoes or flipping that pancake straight to the floor. They are smart, responsible, funny and they know they can do anything they set their mind to doing. I am not overly worried about their ability to handle stressful times because I see the grace, dignity and compassion that have characterized their lives since mom and dad no longer live together.  Of course that does not include undoing the lid to the saltshakers  before  dinner, but then that was a long time ago and possibly a rite of passage to welcome their new family members.
I am surprised that I'm able to realize that it's okay to recognize my time to enjoy the fruits of my labors. Surprised but thankful to have come this far and still be here to tell the tale.
One thing said that evening remains with me..Be bitter or be better. 
As I turn my attention back to the floats gliding past in contrast to the stable hands chasing down the latest addition to the pavement, I am truly happy. Happy for friends both past and present and happy that God is keeping watch everyday.
 

Tech NO

Ahhh!  The fresh, factory-metallic smell of a new phone inn the morning.  It's light and cute; resting there innocently in the palm of your hand. If phones could smile, this little baby would.  You think back fondly to the caveman days of car phones more suited to a gorilla head and breathe an audible sigh of relief.  Overcome with gratitude for your life-changing little darling, you softly whisper "I love you...YOU complete ME".  The rest of the sales team gathered around the conference table lower their heads.  Partly due to respect for the intimate, sometimes truamatic relationship between man and machine.  In part, they are also remembering the start of their own love affairs.
Gently, Sally (as we will refer to her to preserve piracy,...uh I mean privacy). was settled into the rich leather depths of her recliner.  With one last smitten look, you head for the coffee station for your morning jump start.  Someone had perked an especially dark blend this morning, possibly to start the week off right.  Stifling the urge to check the seat of your pants for Juan's donkey hoof prints, you find your way back to your seat.  Tremulously, you pull your chair in and set your Java  Joe on the table.  Right next to Sally.
  It's difficult to say when the jealousy began.  Could it be that last week's impressive sales were credited to working late nights at the office with Joe?  Or was it because Sally was convinced and confident of her well kept calendar.  Her efficiency that keeps you from revealing your blossoming inner dementia?  If only Phil in Accounting hadn't barged into the room just then, you probably wouldn't have been so startled.  Your arm might not have swept so quickly across the table to turn around.  Sally might not have been snoozing in defiance and as a direct snub to Joe.  Sally might have been awake to alert you and the Monday Morning Massacre never would have happened.
As soon as Joe saw your arm flying closer, his java bean, has-been life flashed before his mug.  Quieter days on the mountainside with birds and butterflies dancing the merengue on the sweet summer breezes.  Now it was all over.  Unless, just maybe he could manouver his handle and land right in the cushy safety of Sally's recliner.  In a moment's time, coffee was slopping across the table: across briefs and debriefs.  Under the table to even more briefs.  Grown men with dollar signs and a protective instinct that would make a mountain bear blush with shame, heaved their Armani and their best Klein into action on the table to protect their Sally's, Nora's and Lolita's.  The Brooks Brothers even made a respectable showing, along with the high flying tartan battleflag of The MacLoom tribe.
After the carnage was over, the suits retreated to their private offices wondering how they were going to get up enough courage to ask their wives for a replacement lady in their lives.  Poor little Samsung Sally, Nokia Nora and even little flip phone Lolita.  This would not be the time to bring up the sleek, the beautiful, the new Wonderwoman of the office - the IPad.  Definitely not.

Shades of Summer

Busy days at the beach, entire afternoons spent becoming one with the furniture.  Late nights with no bedtime in sight.  Entire mornings spent unconscious, blissfully unaware that somewhere out there...people are awake, caffeinated and fully functional.

My youngest teen daughter, who is spending a good part of her summer with me has just found a new hobby.  And no, it's not boys.  She found that hobby when she realized she had big baby blues and could bat her lil eyelashes.  She's been spending quite a bit of time painting this afternoon.  I was watching a boring movie on our TV the size of Ontario, as the furniture movers called it...Maria was happily engrossed in her own little world.  Earbuds plugged in, paintbrush in hand, completely oblivious to anything I might be saying.  I took the opportunity to tell her I was making fudge brownies and then walked into the kitchen, chuckling at my own silly joke on her.

Later in the evening, some friends of our called and we decided to join them for a night out.  Ten minutes later, we were in the car and ready to go.  "Wow!" I thought to myself.  "A new record."  Just before we pulled out of the parking lot, my sweetheart turned to me with a such a solemn face and asked, "Mom, do I have any paint on my face?"  Earlier, I had removed a smudge of aqua from her nose so she had reason to ask.  I looked intently at her freckles, making sure they were all hers and told her she was fine.

"Oh good!" she replied.  "That's a relief!" and proceeded to pull out a makeup bag that took up the entire front seat, crammed full of paints and plastered herself with several fresh coats. 

O help!  I need another lemonade and some time in the shade with a good book...to cover up my watchful eyes as she splashes and laughs with her new-found friends.  People always said that being the mother of teens was difficult.  They forgot to say ironic, silly and sometimes rofl funny.

Caring for Our Older Adults

With love to Mom and Dad

As we find ourselves sandwiched in between providing time, attention for our children and our parents, it may seem overwhelming to know how to provide the best care possible.  Luckily, there are many places to go to for help. I've chosen "Older Adults" as my research project for my Peer Support Worker Class and I'm glad to be able to share what I've learned.

One of the best places to start looking for information to advocate for older adults is the telephone resource known as "211".  An operator answers the line and you are able to pinpoint the area of your search instead of speaking to a machine and choosing from the prompts.  I have used this system and discovered there are many more services available than I would have imagined. Also, simply typing "advocacy for seniors" in your Google search bar will bring up many more options such as are listed below:

• CCAC aka Community Care Access Centre  http://www.ccac-ont.ca/  This is a good first stop on your road to advocacy because it is so simple and user friendly.  It offers help for seniors according to their needs and the information is very easy to find.

• Visiting Angels  can be found at www.visitingangels.ca  They provide affordable relief for caregivers/family as well as care for the older adult.  The Visiting Angels are reasonably priced and they offer quite a variety of services from household tasks like cleaning and cooking, even shopping and that makes them well worth looking into.

• Advocacy for the Elderly has a great website: www.advocacycentreelderly.org  They offer legal assistance funded by Legal Aid Ontario and is the first of its kind in Canada funded just for seniors.  ACE (for short) offers help with Advance Care Planning, Consent, Consumer Protection, Wills, Elder Abuse, Long Term Homes to name just a few.  

The most important factor in being able to help your clients or your own family is your dedication to them and finding the very best assistance for them is no less than they deserve.  Having said that, it is important to note that it can be challenging at times to remember to treat our aging adults with the dignity and courtesy they deserve.  They are also facing changes with unknown outcomes and it can be an unsettling time for both the caregiver and client.  Consistent, open and honest communication can help alleviate many misunderstandings and create a greater bond of trust that will facilitate the most satisfactory result for both parties.  A sense of humor goes a long way in smoothing over rough patches and is a great stress buster, too!  As a wise old man once told me, "Be nice to your children, they'll be choosing your nursing home."

The Painter's Brush

If there is one thing that we can count on, it is that life will be completely unpredictable. I am back at the beach, this time with my family in tow.  The chill has been banished by the over-ruling sun and the sand sizzles with a warm welcome of delight as the last of the vacationers take advantage of this reprieve from an early fall. Most of the people on this beach are cottage owners that will be soon heading back to the demands of work and school with the exception of the gulls that tramp the shoreline begging their lunch. I can see the outline of land far across the lake and I wonder what it must have been like for the first settlers of this country; seeing home for the first time or returning after working at sea. The gently undulating line on the horizon is no more than the Painter’s brush swept across the water with a blend of color mixed from the lighter sky and the blue waters that darken with mystery as they make their rendezvous with the distant sky. The landline beckons to me of friends and family I have left across the shore, never forgotten. It is here that I feel closest to them at times when seemingly such a small body of water separates us and I can simply float effortlessly homeward like driftwood. The rush of a motorboat slicing through the waves pulls me back to the present and I am on the beach with my family, watching them read and trying not to slip down the sandy hill where I’ve found enough shade to open my laptop. I climb gingerly down the little hill and run off to toss the football some more with my girls.  I'm going  enjoy this unexpected blessing of warmth and the love of the family that I carry with me always. Life may be full of surprises and the blessing is that we share each of them with a Father Who knows the way.




** This blog has been borrowed from a previous blog of mine and edited.  

Gratitude

Such A happy face, the same eyes I remember looking into mine when she was born..now trying on adulthood like a new hat in a shop.  How does this look, mom?

The Girls Club

Appreciating each moment, noticing the small joys that make us smile and be glad to be here, sharing this day with family.

Don't I look cute, mom?  I just love her style but I'm also developing my own unique, charming way of being me.

 Sharing flavors, opinions and jewelry.  What makes sisters different from friends.  Can I have a bite of yours?  Can I tell you something about my day and have you listen and not try to fix it; I just need a sister right now.  Are you really going to wear that out of the house?

 Taking in the sweet scent of spring.  The flushed cheeks, the eyes closed in surrender to the beauty these flowers give each passer by.  In my eyes, I see only perfection when I see my children.  I see their hearts when they misbehave and it's easier to count to ten and scold mildly now that I've learned their ways.

 I just had to have a picture of this moment to look back to so I know it's real.  My eighteen year old is driving to her first college weekend sleepover.  Alone.  I can see the hope for the future in her eyes as a slight smile lights her face and she looks ahead at the black road stretching to the horizon.  What will it bring her?  What will she give to become her dreams?  Only time will tell.  The excitement of parenthood; waiting, watching the rose blossom.

 Traces of baby innocence in that shy smile, those rosy cheeks and the fingers curved just so.  A minute of wonderment caught in a hatshop.  What do you think, mom?  Am I a grown up yet?  Is this my color?  Do you love me?  Are you proud of me?  Yes.

Tiny flowers not to be overlooked.  What are they?  We don't know but they have captured our attention just the same.  Fall leaves scattered, blown across the floral canvas by a restless wind.  Summer is coming, summer is coming.

 Oh!  Those eyes!  They used to look quizically at strangers at the ripe old age of two, sizing them up and wondering... I wish I knew what she was wondering.  Now, I can ask my girlfriend, confidante and she will tell me.  So nice.

 So glam!  This hat fits me just right, mom!  It just feels right, like a part of me.  It makes me feel pretty.  Do I look pretty?  Do I look pretty, mom? Are you proud of me?  Do you love me?  Yes.

Heads together, shared laughter and Tic Tac breath.  Today will be a day to remember. Pass me the hair dryer when you are done.  Can I have some of your conditioner?  Did you really forget the towels?  MUMI!! Last one in the water is a dirty rotten egg.  Outside, a cold spring blows on by.

Thumbs up to a day of fun, no school!

Early Easter morning, before the sun has warmed the earth.  Three hearts together, remembering.

Leaving.  Think of next time.

And the next week brings its own tasks.  Shouldering the load, not alone this time.  I have given myself time to adjust and rest from the week's whirlwind of fun  On the bus to my class.  Up before dawn.  Home by three.  Learning to take care of me.  Finding the words to say.  Learning to listen with my body, eyes and heart.  I love my work and each day I press on with my goals, pleased with the gradual but sure progress God has graciously granted.  Thank you, Father, for my family.  Thank you for the time we had and thank you for carrying us on our separate and distant roads.  Apart but never alone.

Fresh From the Market

Even as I'm writing this, I'm licking peanut butter off my fingers and enjoying the organic bananas and blueberries that I've sliced over my peanut butter on whole wheat.  Healthy, fresh and delicious food that I don't have to feel guilty about. Yum!

 For me, coming to the market as a child, it was always about getting a treat.  Now that I've grown older and I enjoy helping out at the family market stand, I look into the eyes of the next generation as they scan the tables, looking for a treat of their own.  It's so much fun watching their faces, some of the children just tall enough to peek over the edges of the tables.  The vendors all know each other and trade bills for change, offering a free lunch now and again, sometimes bartering lettuce and broccoli for a dozen brown eggs. 

I just love the variety of vegetables, fruit, flowers and baked goods that add up to wonderful possibilities for the evening meal.  Many times, chefs will come looking for a particular item, knowing that it will be at its peak and ready to consume.  The vendors cater to the many tastes and requests of their customers, altering the offerings from week to week.  It's even possible to order ahead of time and have everything packaged and ready upon arrival.  

 "Organic" and "local" are two must-have labels when it comes to filling the market basket of our savvy consumers and growers strive to meet that expanding demand.  Farmers have taken to finding alternate methods of fertilizing and spraying for pests to preserve the environment and provide the healthiest produce possible.  The mellow taste of a fresh organic banana digests much easier than its grocery store counterpart and even tastes sweeter, more flavourful.  I speak from experience.  

Ahhhh, the Napoleon.  My favorite sinful dessert.  Stacks of crumbly pastry, a fluffy pale custard and alternating layers of whipped cream all topped with a sweet icing and its traditional chocolate swirl make this a real eye pleaser as well as a memorable gastronomical feast.  Speaking of memorable...This was the first treat my oldest child remembers sharing with me...in the sanctuary of the apple orchard behind the farmhouse where no one could see us and then of course, we'd have to share.  I can still feel the early morning sunshine on our backs, the hot earth beneath our feet and taste the sweet icing as we licked every last bit from our fingertips.  The world's best breakfast. mmm  

 There are many varieties of cookies, cakes and traditional pastries from various countries.  It is difficult to know which to try first.  I have always been happy with my choice and leave with a wandering eye as to what I might like to try on the next weekend.  Just as I'm leaving, a small line forms and I smile in secret satisfaction that I have made it to the baker on time this Saturday.

The apple vendor across the aisle wins over little taste buds to a healthy treat by offering a wedge of crisp, juicy fruit to sample. Grandparents and parents alike smile in satisfaction, seeing a lifetime of good eating habits established.  Another bushel of the fragrant apples travel home to be popped into lunches or grabbed for a quick after-school snack on the way to the skate park or library.

 One of the newest vendors has brought with her a pleasing selection of nuts and seeds to add to the bounty of the overflowing tables.  Here too, samples are offered to cautious buyers and the friendly service is as much a part of the sale as the taste of her stores.  If ever there is a crying toddler nearby, one of the vendors often reaches out with a smile and a little present to be remembered for the next visit, with the parent's permission, of course.  The atmosphere is very much family-friendly as jokes are tossed over the stalls, indicating that the farmers and neighbouring vendors are enjoying the busy morning.

 As part of our spring break fun, I plan on bringing my daughters back here to re-live memories of our jelly making days from a couple of summers past.  Sales of our blueberry/orange and orange/ginger jam were a family project from field to kitchen then on to the market. The girls gained sales experience while learning to inter-act with the public and make new friends with our regular customers.  We still laugh over some of our memories.  One customer had a complaint and started really making her case known. My oldest simply let her go on for a while, then hollered, "Hey, Grampa! Can you come here for a minute?!"  Imagine the look of surprise...

 My youngest amazed us all with how quickly she picked up her sales skills and would often approach buyers who were just looking and ask if they would like a bag for that.  Her shyness evaporated while she joked with her uncle and her math skills improved while she learned to give change without the benefit of a calculator.  The produce is still added up as the customer shops and a grand total announced at the end, surprising the newer customers with both the efficiency and the low price.

 After a good morning's work, my girls and I would pick from vegetable pizza or maybe some doubles with ginger beer and head for the library steps to feast.  The culmination of planting the first seeds to zealously weeding during the hot days of summer and finally, bringing the freshest and the best to be selected to fill the tables of Niagara is a very satisfying job.  This spring, I am happy to have a week to laugh, share and make new memories with my girls while we re-live some poignant moments and renew acquaintances with old friends.  There is just something exhilarating about opening the door of the market in the spring time that makes it seem as though anything is possible and for just a short while, we can dream. Dream of new samples to try, discovering an old tradional favourite, or a familiar face waiting for our usual order. The sun beams down over it all grandly, just as it always has done and promises warmer days to come..

d

Spring Day Captured

Looks like a foggy spring day in an old movie

I am holding these pictures in my mind and I'll be looking at them often tomorrow when we're getting snowed on and all the pretty hyacinths, tulips, crocuses and daffodils will shiver with disappointment at the sudden drop in temperatures.  Today, I saw a gorgeous arrangement of birch wood branches and twigs, encircled by varying shades of succulent hyacinth and tulips.  I was so tempted to grab a picture but I will have to content myself with the memory of them.  When my daughters come next week, I hope to take them to more flower gardens and I hope and pray there will be blooms left to marvel at.  I've discovered a new hobby this week while wandering aimlessly through the city, enjoying the sun and wind and in no huge hurry to catch my bus that wouldn't  be coming for another two hours.  They are certainly not professionally done, but I got so much delight and joy out of trying to compose them and thinking of sharing my day through these photos with my children.  Next week, I want to see what else is in bloom!

Chez Paris...well almost

Fountain in the City

Can you see the buildings from the trees?
I wonder which came first..

Waiting for Nightfall

Is there anything better than a stand of Daffodils nodding wisely as you pass by?

Highly Effective Habits of BZ PPL...
photo of cafe in case you leave ur purse behind

n

Hanging on for Dear Life

Today I rode three different kinds of public transit.  There was the quiet, first thing in the morning city bus, just a little late as usual but then he values safety so that's ok.  I guess.  Then there was the inter-city bus that has a nice long seat in the back for me to sleep on.  Always a plus.  The third was another city bus that must buy brakes on wholesale because he sure liked to use them.  I just thank my lucky stars there were no pregnant ladies with weak stomachs aboard and the small children were all safely strapped into their strollers.  The older people already knew about survival skills on this bus and they were hanging on, white knuckled and grim faced, determined to make it to the bingo hall without sliding off a seat and down the crowded aisle.  I had to stand for part of the time and I'm telling you, it was like trying out for the Inner City Olympics.  I learned that those flimsy overhead straps are not always bolted into place and that the person behind me doesn't always realize they are my back up plan in case I do happen to lose my iron grip on the overhead railing.
The trip home wasn't much better because my cell phone lit up with bad news about a family member and I detoured from my usual route home directly to the hospital.  The triage nurses did a fantastic job of telling me to stay in the waiting room so I politely thanked them and walked around the corner to the security guard and informed him of my name and the room number I was visiting which he scrawled on a sticky name tag.  Magic.  The door opened.  When the rest of my family got there, the security personnel were nowhere to be found so I made out name tags for each of them with a half nod to hospital protocol and then went over to the same nurse and informed her that we needed to be let in.  For some reason, we were allowed in and walked down the hall to the appropriate room.  This time I looked down and saw frail hands holding the metal railing of a gurney and my sense of humor disappeared.  I don't know what it is about holding on to whatever is closest to us that makes us feel as though we are more in control and secure.  Sometimes, it is a practical way to avoid walking the windows on a quick turning transit ride.  Other times, we don't even realize that what we are holding onto is not the object itself but the frailness and uncertainty of our own lives.  Today was a rough day and I called for help when I felt I needed to talk.  I have morning therapy tomorrow which just happens to be in the morning (redundancy intended).  Time to cry and sleep.  Is that enough self help journaling for one day?  Yeah, I think so.

One Thousand Gifts, pass it on

My daughter, well hopefully both daughters and my son will be coming to see me in a week.  I am excited about this but I have been in such a funk since I've last blogged over various concerns that have consumed me.  I sat in a hot bath tonight that was supposed to help but only when I bowed my head in a complete sense of weary hopelessness and asked for the help I needed did I feel the relief I craved.
My doctor called today to say they wanted to run some more tests to rule out a rather serious illness. I visited my parents today and was shocked to notice symptoms of another, more crippling stroke on my mother.  I feel as though my world is changing before my eyes and it breaks my heart; whenever I look at my parents getting closer to heaven, when I feel the uncertainty of my own mental state, when I wake in the morning and know my children are seven hours away and I won't be kissing them good morning and barking orders to get them off to school on time.  I know I have less peace because I am harboring my problems, clutching them closely to my breast, thinking I can own them. Thinking that I can work them out and make it better.  I have forgotten to trust.  I have forgotten the joy of a surrendered life.  I have lost my peace.  Bitter confession for the happy philosopher I have been.  Back to the basics.  Meaningful prayer that reaches past time limits and tears the selfishness, anger and hatred from my heart and I can feel whole again and in communion once again with my Maker.  It makes such a difference to have an open line rather than to close my heart off in pride and keep my consuming disappointment to myself.  Why did my life take this turn?  I know a Christian reads their Bible and prays daily but I have gradually taken over the worry department and tried to manage things myself, afraid of what might be asked of me in a total surrender.  I don't usually read self help type books, preferring the living Words of the Bible.  Tonight, I was encouraged by my daughter's suggestion to read One Thousand Gifts.  I read the first chapter on line for free and it poked me gently in the conscience to turn over the load I was carrying.  As for the problems of others that caused me worry, "that is not my inventory" - a saying I had just learned from a friend.  The time I spent reading Ann's book was well spent and led to an introspective look at my own jaded heart.  Do I really trust God will do what is best for me?  How do I know He will be there when I need Him? The answers are in Word form, love that is given and received to replace the fear, doubts and hatred.

I am grateful to my family for the joy and insight they bring into my life.  I am grateful to be reminded of Who will truly help me.  I am grateful to be here, alive and expecting the good things I have asked for in my life.

Celebrating the last day of the Winter we didn't have

Something a little different today...poetry that I've found when I was looking for my favorite by Shelley.

It's been awhile since I written any of my own.  I think I'll try it out again and see what happens.  Meanwhile...This was sooo cute!
"May I print a kiss on your lips?" I said,
And she nodded her full permission:
So we went to press and I rather guess
We printed a full edition.
~Joseph Lilientha                              

Love's Philosophy

by Percy Bysshe Shelley
(1803-1822)

---

The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean;
The winds of heaven mix forever,
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle;--
Why not I with thine?

See! the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower would be forgiven,
If it disdained it's brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea;--
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?

.

Smile Virus 
By Russel H. ConwellSmiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu.
When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling, too.
I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin
when he smiled, I realized I'd passed it on to him!
I thought about that smile and then realized its worth,
a single smile, just like mine, could travel round the earth.
So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected,
let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~



The Optimist
by Author Unknown
The optimist fell ten stories.
At each window bar
He shouted to his friends:
"All right so far."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Amazed

Today was a great day.  I gave myself gold stars all the way down my activity chart and ate an unseemly amount of Double Chocolate ice cream in a mixing bowl.  Aaaaaah.  Life is good.  Tomorrow is Monday and I'll be drinking green tea like it's about to be dumped in the harbor and doing Pilates as though my life depended on it.  That's tomorrow.  Today is a day of rest and I'm resting.  They say good health is a balance of rest, exercise, healthy food, recreation, work.  What they didn't say was what day that was supposed to be on.  
Today, the sun was shining, there was a beautiful breeze and I had a nice long chat with my oldest child.  We decided together what she was going to wear for her high school play's red carpet ceremony.  Then we talked about the Sadie Hawkins dance she had to chaperone as part of the spirit club.  We reminisced about Henry and who's apple was hauled up the tree in the front yard  I discovered that we had not only bridged the gap of the distance between us and become stronger for it but that we were equals now; both adults.  Well, most of the time.  Just don't get us going on Starbucks or chocolate or the giggle-fest is ON!  It has been almost a year since I have seen my youngest daughter and my son.  I hope to see them this spring and enjoy their company once again.  It has been almost a year since I've moved and I can't believe how much has changed in that short time.  I have struggled horribly with missing them but I'm at a point in my recovery that I can say I am happy.  No one is completely happy all the time but I have learned to appreciate the wisdom of the counsel that was offered me last year by an old friend.  By being strong and continuing on, my children see an example they can be proud of and they can know for themselves that life does go on, even when the most horrible things happen.  It seems like the world should stop turning when our loved ones are taken from us, especially if it is unexpectedly.  The pain seems too much to bear and we just can't conceive of ever being happy or smiling again.  The first year after a death or loss in the family is the worst, as it was when we lost my brother, David.  The roller coaster of emotions gradually becomes less mountainous and more like curving hills on our mind-scape.  It is difficult to imagine that years from now, we will not feel the pain so intensely and that we will find ways not only to survive, but to help others who have suffered the same loss to cope as well.  It is in the darkest of valleys when we discover we are not alone and our God is with us.  We can only pass on that hope through the vantage point of experience.  If only for that reason alone, I am glad that I have been comforted with the same Word that has brought me through many trials before this.  It is that same faith that will be fanned back into full flame whenever a fellow pilgrim trips and falls along the way.
 Today reminded me of just how blessed I am.  I have a God who is always caring for me, whether I know it or not.  He is the Guardian on watch when my children are asleep, driving themselves to the mall or making choices at school.  When my children were little, I used to elevate myself as all mothers usually do by making everything magically better with a kiss.  In retrospect, I think a word of prayer and an introduction to Our Loving Father would have served a better purpose.  This past year has taught me to trust Him more and to appreciate the blessings a quiet Sunday brings.  Food, clothing, shelter.  A warm bed to sleep in at night.  Each night when I fall asleep, I thank God for all of those things because there was a time when I didn't have some of those things and I am doubly grateful for them now in a way I  never could have been if I hadn't experienced the losses.  Today, I was reminded to call my mother and chat with her.  This week, I will make sure I visit my parents and laze around the table talking.  It's amazing what a day of rest will do for the mind, body and soul.
While I acknowledge that things are not perfect now and my life is lacking in the presence of my children, I have been tested and taught important lessons that I will cherish always.  Be kind to those you love.  Don't go to bed angry, even if it takes several trips back to their bunk bed to make things right.  For all the chances you have to smile and make someone's day better, there is someone who needs that smile and needs their day made brighter.  Tomorrow I should find out if I've been accepted in my Peer Tutoring class. I'm excited about the path my future may take and I'm grateful for all I've been given.  If this is not the way I need to go, I am willing to be led down another path.  Sometimes, the difficulty is in knowing without a doubt, that our choices are correct and wise, not just guesses. That must be why it's called Amazing Grace.

Henry and the Big Doughnut

Spring is chirping outside my window.
I can hear its arrival
as the birds arrange their nests for the season
and get reacquainted with their neighbours.

The fresh, pungent odor of pine needles being raked
along with last seasons fallen twigs and leaves.
The daffodils nod their approval
while the crocuses remain silent,
perhaps reserving their opinion for another time.

The squirrels don't seem to mind the happy whistling
as they bustle around below the trees
foraging for leftovers
racing back up the tree with a crust of bread.

One squirrel is noticed
carrying an obscenely large donut
covered in sprinkles.
In a panic to avoid sharing
He fairly gallops up the tree trunk

There he sits, patiently rotating the sweet treat
nibbling the stolen sugary snack.
Tragedy strikes.
The donut has been dropped and is nowhere to be seen.
A quick leap to the ground
followed by frantic scurrying
among the remaining leaves from the past season.

Running in dizzying circles,
dashing left
then right
until finally, the fluffy tree climber and his sweet are re united.
Another laborious haul up the tree
Paying no attention that the doughnut is 4 times bigger than his head
Patience has paid off
and he is once again patiently nibbling
nimble little fingers rotating

A crunch in the leaves below
He freezes, stops eating his snack and peers through the hole to the ground below
and once again
drops
the donut.
The circle of life as seen from the front of my window.