My daughter, well hopefully both daughters and my son will be coming to see me in a week. I am excited about this but I have been in such a funk since I've last blogged over various concerns that have consumed me. I sat in a hot bath tonight that was supposed to help but only when I bowed my head in a complete sense of weary hopelessness and asked for the help I needed did I feel the relief I craved.
My doctor called today to say they wanted to run some more tests to rule out a rather serious illness. I visited my parents today and was shocked to notice symptoms of another, more crippling stroke on my mother. I feel as though my world is changing before my eyes and it breaks my heart; whenever I look at my parents getting closer to heaven, when I feel the uncertainty of my own mental state, when I wake in the morning and know my children are seven hours away and I won't be kissing them good morning and barking orders to get them off to school on time. I know I have less peace because I am harboring my problems, clutching them closely to my breast, thinking I can own them. Thinking that I can work them out and make it better. I have forgotten to trust. I have forgotten the joy of a surrendered life. I have lost my peace. Bitter confession for the happy philosopher I have been. Back to the basics. Meaningful prayer that reaches past time limits and tears the selfishness, anger and hatred from my heart and I can feel whole again and in communion once again with my Maker. It makes such a difference to have an open line rather than to close my heart off in pride and keep my consuming disappointment to myself. Why did my life take this turn? I know a Christian reads their Bible and prays daily but I have gradually taken over the worry department and tried to manage things myself, afraid of what might be asked of me in a total surrender. I don't usually read self help type books, preferring the living Words of the Bible. Tonight, I was encouraged by my daughter's suggestion to read One Thousand Gifts. I read the first chapter on line for free and it poked me gently in the conscience to turn over the load I was carrying. As for the problems of others that caused me worry, "that is not my inventory" - a saying I had just learned from a friend. The time I spent reading Ann's book was well spent and led to an introspective look at my own jaded heart. Do I really trust God will do what is best for me? How do I know He will be there when I need Him? The answers are in Word form, love that is given and received to replace the fear, doubts and hatred.
I am grateful to my family for the joy and insight they bring into my life. I am grateful to be reminded of Who will truly help me. I am grateful to be here, alive and expecting the good things I have asked for in my life.
My doctor called today to say they wanted to run some more tests to rule out a rather serious illness. I visited my parents today and was shocked to notice symptoms of another, more crippling stroke on my mother. I feel as though my world is changing before my eyes and it breaks my heart; whenever I look at my parents getting closer to heaven, when I feel the uncertainty of my own mental state, when I wake in the morning and know my children are seven hours away and I won't be kissing them good morning and barking orders to get them off to school on time. I know I have less peace because I am harboring my problems, clutching them closely to my breast, thinking I can own them. Thinking that I can work them out and make it better. I have forgotten to trust. I have forgotten the joy of a surrendered life. I have lost my peace. Bitter confession for the happy philosopher I have been. Back to the basics. Meaningful prayer that reaches past time limits and tears the selfishness, anger and hatred from my heart and I can feel whole again and in communion once again with my Maker. It makes such a difference to have an open line rather than to close my heart off in pride and keep my consuming disappointment to myself. Why did my life take this turn? I know a Christian reads their Bible and prays daily but I have gradually taken over the worry department and tried to manage things myself, afraid of what might be asked of me in a total surrender. I don't usually read self help type books, preferring the living Words of the Bible. Tonight, I was encouraged by my daughter's suggestion to read One Thousand Gifts. I read the first chapter on line for free and it poked me gently in the conscience to turn over the load I was carrying. As for the problems of others that caused me worry, "that is not my inventory" - a saying I had just learned from a friend. The time I spent reading Ann's book was well spent and led to an introspective look at my own jaded heart. Do I really trust God will do what is best for me? How do I know He will be there when I need Him? The answers are in Word form, love that is given and received to replace the fear, doubts and hatred.
:} AWESOME book, you really must read the whole thing! :] It brings up so many thoughts that I have had and clears them right up by using the Bible and works concerning it as references :]
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