Still Here

I should be asleep right now.  I've been told to get caught up on my rest, go to bed early, stay in bed.  Etc, etc. While I believe that's a really good idea, I need to write before I sleep.  I am always surprised at the way the human mind works, even when it's working off target of where I would prefer it be working.  Currently, my brain is off on assignment and the rest of me is just trying to take all this in and wondering how to deal with the pieces.  I overworked, underslept, here I am.  Maybe wiser, for sure more tired.  I'll let you know when I get it figured out.  I'm trying to re-gain the energy and busy lifestyle I once had but lately, my body hasn't been able to keep up with my demands.  So my brain calls a time out and says, "Hey, you down there with the arms and the legs going 90 miles an hour.  Can you please knock it off for awhile?  We're still trying to figure out how to deal with the hairspray we inhaled in the 80's".  Or something facetious like that.  I know I should talk nicer to myself when I do talk to myself.  At least that is what they tell me.  But then, I don't think me and myself should necessarily be holding dialogue on anything substantive because I am a Libra and the next decade will come and go before I decide on which ice cream flavour I like best.  So having a mental illness is not as glamorous as it's made out to be.  There are moments when I just cry walking down the street, hiding my face behind a cup of decaf because it's dark outside, I'm alone and I've just found myself at the bottom of a spin cycle.  Very scary.  That's when I know that God is still looking after me and I'm not in this battle alone.  Somehow, I feel Him pulling me back from the edge and I feel surrounded by His love when I realize that I was not walking down that street alone.  He was with me the whole time.  He has me here for a purpose and it's by His grace that I'm here. So, after I'm done resting, I'll get back up and revise my battle plan.  If I can see the warning signs early enough to know I've had too much activity and then actually put down the paintbrush, dish rag, garden trowel and vacuum cleaner and just sit down for awhile.  Sounds easy.  Way hard to break old habits.  I'm used to pushing myself because of the lack of options I had and I just had to get the job done.  Get jacked up on coffee and chocolate...the last legal addictive substances...mmmmmm.   Where was I?  O yeah...Old habits.  New habits.  Going to bed before my pumpkin gets a crack in it and the fairy tale world I'm rebuilding for myself comes falling down around me.  Good night, Cinderella.  You are strong.  You are important.  You are beautiful.  I know those are stolen lines from a movie but they work for me because I'm hearing them from Someone other than me.